A marriage repaired: Writer offers self-help guide for spouses

View PDF | Print View
by: Guest Total views: 210 Word Count: 679   

WILMINGTON, Del. - A recovering perfectionist and wife once so miserable that she fantasized every day about her husband's death will now gladly tell you she's a flop in the kitchen and often feels fat and washed up.

She also dealt with severe depression after the birth of their daughter. And though the depression lifted, Bowman later realized that she was miserable with her husband.

What she learned after that admission comes down to this: It doesn't matter how bad your marriage is. You can probably make it better if the two of you learn a few skills about getting along with another person, skills that are seldom taught to men and women before they marry.

"Heck, if my abysmally bad marriage could be saved, there is hope for nearly everyone's marriage," she says.

Three years ago when she confronted her problems, Bowman was a successful ghostwriter of nonfiction books.

She later accepted a position as a writer and editor for Runner's World magazine in Emmaus and then transitioned into a ghost writer of books, such as "The Skinny on Losing Weight Without Being Hungry." She continues to collaborate with experts on projects that appeal to her.

In 2007 as a Mother's Day treat, Bowman met her best friend, Deb Gordon, in New York City and over drinks confessed she was so unhappy that she fantasized constantly about her husband's death.

"You need to try everything," Gordon told her. "Promise me you will try everything. He probably just needs you to tell him what you want. Men are clueless. Never forget that."

Bowman went home and got her husband's attention by telling him if they didn't do something, she was worried she would have an affair. He said he would go to counseling and work on the marriage.

For Bowman, trying everything also meant going online and ordering every self-help book on marriage that seemed interesting - 11 books in all. What she learned was so arresting - and helpful - that she never got around to calling a counselor.

Therapy, meditation and self-help had already changed her from a woman with a secret side to someone who found power in confession. Now, as she read the books, she realized that she and her husband were too independent and not spending enough time connecting.



And a few skills were missing - they had never learned to listen well and she felt guilty stating her needs. Instead she expected her husband to know what she wanted and regarded him as selfish for not reading her mind.

"When I started sticking up for myself, I was amazed at how fast things changed," she says. "I realized our problems were not only his fault and I couldn't just send him to the 'Husband Fixing Store."'

She could also see there was much that was sound in her marriage. Neither she nor her husband were abusive. Nor did they suffer from addictions. And neither had cheated on the other.

Still, there was much for Bowman to forgive, having lived with years of not feeling cared for. So she complied a list of how she felt slighted and shared the list with her husband, who listened, then apologized.

Another part of making things better was her husband writing a love letter saying why he loved Bowman. That was relatively easy for him because he always felt the relationship was sound.

It was harder for her to reciprocate because she felt the relationship was frayed. Still, she ended up with a list that included:

"I love how your face looks when you have stubble.

"I love that you remain calm in crisis - always. I love that you understand that I will probably never be calm in crisis, and that you never think to mention it."

She had 45 items and concluded that anyone who could write such a list must be happy to be married. Russian Women for Dating.

Additional information:

Light Therapy for depression
How Psychotherapy Helps People Recover From Depression HealthyPlace
Depression Therapy
Shock therapy for depression Satisfaction And Lowest Prices on
Depression information and treatment
Cognitive Therapy Treatment for Depression Techniques Benefits
Licensed Marriage Counseling Depression Therapy Mature russian women seeking men
russian like english men
http://www.lohud.com/article/2...

Related "Depression":

• Loneliness and HIV-Related Stigma Explain Depression Among Older HIV-Positive ...
  Service providers and researchers should "assert ...
• Former nurses convicted of stealing drugs
  WINCHESTER -- A judge convicted two former nurse ...
• YA World: My Dinner Date With Lauren Oliver
  Few if any literary genres have garnered as much ...
• Herbs for Depression - Herbal Remedies Natural Antidepressants
  Depression is a state of mind that arises from reg ...
• Thursday, 2 until 7 p.m. on Friday, and 3:30 until 6:30 ...
  Acupuncturist Tess Bois relieves some of the effe ...

Comments

Add Comment